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We guess she did what she could

The Gruesome Origins of 5 Popular Fairy Tales

Canada Goose Jackets We know what’s you’re thinking. “What the hell is Cracked writing articles about fairy tales canada goose outlet store toronto for? That’s kids stuff! Give us more articles about the Top 10 Transformers Characters, or Worst Dressed Thundercat!” And canada goose outlet belgium that’s good, because that means our Spyware technology is getting better than ever. Canada Goose Jackets

The thing about fairy tales, though, is that they weren’t always for kids. Back when these stories were first told around campfires and in taverns in some medieval village there were very few kids canada goose parka http://www.canadagoosejacketoutlett.com outlet present. These were racy, violent parables to distract peasants after a hard day’s dirt farming, and some of them made Hostel look like, well, kid’s stuff.

Canada Goose online She gets there, they do the back and forth about what big teeth he has, and he eats her. Then, a passing woodsman comes and cuts Red and Grandma out of the wolf, saving the day. Canada Goose online

Most modern versions of fairy tales come from two sources: The Grimm Brothers from Germany, and Frenchman Charles Perrault, the collector of the “Mother Goose” tales. The big change they made to this one was the ending. That woodsman showing up seemed a little like a third act re write of a movie due to bad test screenings, didn’t it? Where the hell did the woodsman come from?

Canada Goose sale Well, canada goose outlet website legit the woodsman was a later addition to the tale. In canada goose outlet kokemuksia the early versions of the story, Red and her Grandmother are dead. The. Goddamn. End. Also, in most versions the woodsman cuts the pair out of the wolf’s belly, where they’re mostly none the worse for wear despite being eaten, which implies to us the wolf in that story world eats like some sort of python, by unhinging its jaw and swallowing prey whole. canada goose outlet Suspension of disbelief only goes so far. Canada Goose sale

canada goose deals Much earlier canada goose outlet in usa versions also liked to spice up the sexuality angle of the canada goose outlet toronto factory story, by having Red outwit the wolf by performing a striptease for him while he’s lying in bed dressed as her Grandmother, and then running away while he’s “distracted” (Note to any young girls out there: if you are ever abducted and menaced by someone, DO NOT DO THIS). canada goose deals

canada goose Wait, it gets worse. This canada goose outlet vancouver is the most horrifying bit that got filtered out before the tale reached both the Grimm’s and Perrault (and in fact, only made it into a few written texts). In this version, the Wolf dissects Grandmother, then invites Red in for a meal of her flesh, presumably with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti. Then he eats her, too. canada goose

cheap Canada Goose Story’s over! Sweet dreams, little Sally!Snow White: Prince Pedophile, More Cannibalism cheap Canada Goose

Snow White flees, and she falls in with seven friendly dwarves. The step mom finds out and sneaks her a poison apple. Snow goes into a coma until a handsome prince rescues her and they live happily ever after.

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canada goose clearance In the Disney film the wicked canada goose outlet online store review step mother winds up dead (she falls off a cliff). So that’s pretty hardcore we guess. It’s got nothing on the Grimm version, though, where the step mother is canada goose outlet woodbury tortured by being forced to wear red hot iron shoes, and made to dance until she falls down dead (you can picture the puppet thing from Saw spelling this out for her over a closed circuit monitor). canada goose clearance

The issue of Snow’s actual age is a point of contention as well. The Grimm’s explicitly refer to her as being seven years old when the story starts, and while there’s no firm indication of how much time has passed, it’s no more than a couple of years. So unless that’s an eight year old Prince Charming who comes along and rescues Snow, we’re backing away from this one before we become the subject of an NBC reality show.

canada goose store The biggest change, and the bloodiest, is step mom’s. unusual eating habits. Namely, when she asks her man to bring back the heart of Snow White, she isn’t just after proof the girl is dead. She wants to eat it. Depending on the version of the story, the Queen asks for Snow’s liver, lungs, intestines and pretty much every other major internal organ, up to and including one gruesome version where she asks for a bottle of Snow’s blood stoppered with her toe. canada goose store

canada goose coats on sale And if you think the fairy tales were gruesome back then, you should have seen the merchandising tie ins. canada goose coats on sale

canada goose black friday sale Fortunately she’s helped by canada goose outlet us a little gnome who shows up and offers to help in exchange for a canada goose outlet store new york small trinket. This goes on three nights, and by the third night the girl is promising the little man her first born child in return for his help. On the third morning, the king decides to marry this pretty girl who can produce gold out of dry grass. canada goose black friday sale

Canada Goose Outlet They inevitably have a son, and the little gnome shows up demanding him. Being nothing if not fair, he’ll give the girl three days to guess his name. If she can, she keeps the kid. She tries everything but comes up short, until a passing woodsman overhears the gnome bragging about how he’s so clever no one will guess his name is Rumpelstiltskin. He immediately tells the queen, who springs it on Rumpelstiltskin, who’s so pissed off he throws a tantrum and runs away, presumably to ply his poorly thought out scam in another town. Canada Goose Outlet

canada goose clearance sale Not to mention, in the really early versions of the tale, Rumpelstiltskin launches himself at the girl in a rage and gets canada goose outlet eu stuck. um. in her lady parts. Seriously. The palace guards all have to come canada goose outlet real and pull him out, which must have made for some awkward looks afterwards. canada goose clearance sale

Also, in a depressingly large number of versions, the child is killed anyway, either by Rumpelstiltskin himself, or the guards, or someone. They weren’t big on happy endings in the Dark Ages. canada goose outlet canada The old woman does this because canada goose parka uk she wasn’t invited to the party celebrating the girl’s birth, where other good fairies/wise women are bestowing gifts upon her. Fortunately, one still hasn’t given her a gift, and so tempers the curse the Princess won’t die, she’ll just fall asleep for 100 years. We guess she did what she could, but still, a pretty major downer for the party.

Of course the King orders all spindles burned, plunging the kingdom into a fashion nightmare, but with the inevitability of fairy tale logic bearing down on her, the princess manages to find the one working spindle in the kingdom, and pricks her finger on her 15 birthday. She falls asleep for 100 years, until a dashing young Prince comes along in timely fashion and kisses her, breaking the spell. Everyone lives happily ever after.

canadian goose jacket The first major departure in this from the version we know today is when the Princess pricks her finger on her 15 birthday. In earlier versions the Princess instead gets a piece of flax caught under her fingernail which pricks her and puts her to sleep. This might seem like a small difference but it canada goose outlet las vegas becomes important when you consider the canada goose outlet winnipeg address other major, and unsettling, change to the story. canadian goose jacket

Previous versions of the tale have the Prince canada goose outlet edmonton who finds Sleeping Beauty canada goose outlet new york think she’s so damn beautiful he just goes ahead and has his way with her right then and there. Yes, while she’s still comatose.

Canada Goose Parka When they talk about “Fairy Tale Endings,” they’re almost certainly referring to this story. Or possibly some sort of football game. This is the dream of every little girl (and some little boys) that one day they too can rise up from the dirt and become a pretty pretty princess. You all know it; the step mother and step sisters who hate the beautiful Cinderella, and make her work all day, until one day a Fairy Godmother shows up and gives Cinderella pretty clothes and a pumpkin coach and sends her to the ball where she falls in love with the Prince Canada Goose Parka.

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